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我的龌龊事(相声)

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发表于 2017-5-18 01:07:32 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式

乙:现在什么人都有,特别一些名人干了那些龌龊事,一曝光,这名人就完了。   

  甲:没事,我不是名人,我想怎地就怎地,不怕。(演员用手摆摆手)   

  乙:你都干啥龌龊事了,说给大家听听。   

  甲:你怎么说话呢,啥叫我干龌龊事了,我可是好人啊。   

  乙:你不是说你想怎地就怎地吗?   

  甲:啊,我就是没啥事看点表演,这不算啥。   

  乙:这还不算啥?你这叫犯法你知道吗?你这叫不道德,你这叫……   

  甲:(这时甲用手捂乙的嘴)停!我就在道边看两头猪交配,这犯什么法了,你看你那样,一脸的假正经。   

  乙:哦,这就是你说的表演?(乙一副恍然大悟的表情)   

  甲:你以为呢!那天,我们家邻居家的小妞被一野小子给了,小妞妈妈痛哭啊,大哭啊,豪淘大哭啊……   

  乙:(乙用手捂住甲的嘴)你还有完没完了,要把人哭死是怎么的!   

  甲:我就想更好的表达小妞妈妈的悲痛心情,小妞今年才三岁。   

  乙:这是奸幼啊,重罪,可不得了,报警没有啊?   

  甲:小妞妈妈能不报警吗?   

  乙:那警察怎么说?   

  甲:警察说不管!   

  乙:这怎么能不管呢,这可是奸幼,大案啊!   

  甲:警察说了,人的事他们管,一只母狗被一只野狗,这他们管不了,你们说说这还有没有天理了。   

  乙:你说了半天小妞是只母狗!   

  甲:我一直在说狗的事,谁知道你怎么听白癜风早期症状的。   

  乙:这又成了我没听明白,你还有啥龌龊事给大家讲讲。   

  甲:也没啥,就是没啥事嫖个娼。   

  乙:这事你都干过,我告诉你,现在抓这事抓的可严,你可小心点。   

  甲:没事,我大大方方的领着个姑娘在大街先溜达,买了一堆名牌服装,然后又吃顿饭,最后去宾馆开个房,这犯法吗,这算个啥。   

  乙:这还不犯法中科白癜风微博,都开房了,你胆子可真大,我跟你说,你这样的早晚得出事。   

  甲:你怎么不盼着我点好!后来警察真来查房来了。   

  乙:这下你可完了,该,抓住了吧!   

  甲:抓什么,我包二奶犯什么法,顶多是道德问题,咱理直气壮!   

  乙:你这都什么人啊,你不怕你老婆来抓你。   

  甲:不提我老婆还好,一提她我一肚子气,这不这几年日子越过越好了,我有钱了,结果我老婆没事就出去包养小白脸,这把我气的,后来我想开了,她包养小白脸,我包养二奶,她包养十个小白脸,我就包养二十个二奶,这我也不吃亏。   

  乙:你们两口子都这样了,为啥不早点离了得了。   

  甲:离了不得分一半财产给她,凭什么?我就不离!   

  乙:可你这包二奶也太缺德了。   

  甲:我这是负责任的好男人,比那帮嫖娼的男人好多了,跟他们比,我标准的道德模范!   

  乙:你负啥责任了?你又不娶人家。   

  甲:我没娶,可我养着,那些嫖了娼的男人,给了钱就解决,那女人都是临时工,完事了俩人跟路人一样,谁都跟谁就没关系了,那跟那个母狗和那只野狗有啥不一样的吗?   

  乙:要这么说话,你也不是什么好人,你跟那两头猪一样,就是为了一时痛快,影响人家姑娘一生。   

  甲:行了,你别装好人了,你以为你是道德卫士?你老实说,你就没干过这方面的龌龊事,我不信你没有!   

  乙:我一直本本分分做人,从来不干那些缺德事。   

  甲:我就不信,苍老师你看过没?   

  乙:苍老师是谁啊,我不认得,她是教什么的?   

  甲:(甲用眼睛斜了几眼乙)你真是老土,连苍老师都不知道,你还是男人么?   

  乙:我是男人,我是只忠于老婆的好男人!   

  甲:你一说老婆,我最近专门扮西门庆!   

  乙:你改行拍戏了?   

  甲:拍戏噶啥,我这是现实中上演西门庆。   

  乙:那谁演武松?   

  甲:没武松。   

  乙:那谁是武大郎?   

  甲:也没武大郎。   

  乙:你又给我弄糊涂了,你谁都没有怎么演西门庆?   

  甲:我勾引别人的老婆。   

  乙:哦,这么个西门庆!你这可太缺德了,色字头上一把刀!   

  甲:我到处寻找目标,各种手段,后来我搞上一个武术教练的老婆。   

  乙:你胆可真不小,不怕武术教练揍你!   

  甲:我不怕啊,打人是犯法的,这都什么社会了,还动武?   

  乙:你勾引人家老婆,人家杀你的心都有,揍你都是轻的!   

  甲:我跟武术教练的老婆约会,我去她家!   

  乙:你还敢去她家,你这胆可真不小!   

  甲:那是,武术教练那天出去上课去了,不在家,我正好乘机溜去她家偷情。   

  乙:你也太缺德了。   

  甲:什么缺德?这叫刺激,跟你说你也不懂。   

  乙:你这种人就是欠揍!看把你美的。   

  甲:我这叫能耐,你行么你!   

  乙:看把你美的,找不着北了吧!   

  甲:不是找不着北了,我哪都找不着了。   

  乙:你迷路了?2   

  甲:不是,我跟武术教练的老婆刚上床,结果武术教练他回来了,正好把我们堵床上了。   

  乙:我就说你欠揍,看你这回怎么办?   

  甲:我吓得浑身都凉了,不过我什么人,没几秒我就镇静下来了,我说哥们,这是法制社会,打人犯法,冷静冷静。   

  乙:他就这么放你走了吗?   

  甲:狠揍了我一顿,差点没把我打死。   

  乙:这回你够刺激了吧!   

  甲北京白癜风治疗医院:我住了一年多医院!
发表于 2018-2-2 23:46:27 | 显示全部楼层
真是好人啊~~













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发表于 2018-2-3 23:57:11 | 显示全部楼层
看看吧,大家都会支持你













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发表于 2018-2-11 23:04:27 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2018-2-12 11:42:02 | 显示全部楼层
美团 大众点评内部邮件曝光!正式合并各自品牌独立运营2018年02月12日
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发表于 2018-2-12 20:31:47 | 显示全部楼层
这个清明更“文明”2018年02月12日
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发表于 2018-2-15 00:03:05 | 显示全部楼层
{随机名字}
{随机名字}
{随机名字}
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v.qq.com/boke/gplay/{会员md5}_{腾讯栏目}_grs_LaL.html











uiimg.com/xy?20180207
uiimg.com/xy?20180208
uiimg.com/xy?20180209
uiimg.com/xy
发表于 2018-2-15 01:23:53 | 显示全部楼层
高邮工业开票销售增幅领跑2018年02月15日
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发表于 2018-2-15 01:27:09 | 显示全部楼层
苹果 :打造一部坚不可破的手机是不可能的(图)2018年02月15日
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发表于 2018-2-15 16:27:09 | 显示全部楼层
等了《最终幻想15》十年 你是否还有感动?(组图)2018年02月15日
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